At rest and in joy.
Since I immigrated to Canada from Barbados alone at 15, my life has revolved around school, work and building a career. Now with a 1 year old and a busy business — motherhood, entrepreneurship and parenting are part of my every day routine. I’ve written about my history with burnout and busy-ness before, and explored the ways I know better when it comes to rest, but can still get it wrong. These newsletters (love notes?) are real examples of being a work in progress. Life evolves with us in tiny minuscule moments, even when it feels like we haven’t done much.
All that to say, I think I actually got it right this time. I’ve just returned from a beautiful holiday with my friends and partner in Portugal, and truly had the most wonderful time. A no baby, no work (not even a little bit) trip that was well overdue. I left my laptop at home, and leaned into the joy of being with my community, celebrating my loved ones and revisiting hobbies like photography and creative journalling.
To say it’s been a while since I’ve been able to get out of my routine, get away, let go of some pressure and urgency is an understatement.
If you know me in “real life”, you know that I’ve always been the “responsible one,” the “productive one,” and/or the person you can rely on to show up, support and lean on.
It doesn’t help that my job as a therapist often relies on me being one (or all) of these things at once. My friends have been calling me “mom” since the day I met them. Although it’s nice to be seen as the prepared and level-headed friend, it’s nice to just exist and be.
I don’t want to exist as the prepared-productive-caregiver person 100% of the time anymore. There’s a time and a place for it, and that inner compass needed recalibrating. Badly.
My writing has been changing. I’m noticing that the things I want to talk about have been slowly moving away from just soothing, coping and learning to love and trust. I’ve been writing more about my joy, my personal journey around allowing myself room to take up space, and to be perfectly honest— letting go of urgency to write about anything that doesn’t move my spirit and soul towards ease.
It’s not always “algorithmically friendly” but as
recently wrote:“Not creating consistent content to feed the belly of Instagram creates a lot more space for us to be in an authentic flow state. When we are constantly making and doing, we exhaust ourselves. Creativity, just for the sake of personal joy practice, is important.”
I may sound like a broken record with my recent insistence on finding and writing about my joy, peace and pleasure, but I truly mean it.
I want to rest, celebrate how far I’ve come, eat good food, and enjoy the company of the people I love who love me. I want to thrive for myself for real.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the energy I’ve been giving out to my environment and the circular nature of service and community. While reflecting on my relationship to work and my hopes for my son to unlearn the generational wounds around productivity, I thought about how much love and care I’ve poured into the people and spaces around me.
Almost everyone I know is in the service and care industry in some way. Whether it’s therapy, nursing, medicine, or caregiving, my ancestors (and me) have offered the universe many lifetimes of service and sacrifice. I want my son to follow his dreams and passions, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish for him to exist in a world as a receiver instead of always being a giver. There’s enough good karmic community and reciprocal energy to probably last him a lifetime.
That doesn’t mean I’m stepping away from my values of mutuality, reciprocity and community support (or not teaching my son the value of service). It just means I’m finally allowing myself to have more of a true balance. Balance that makes room for the recognition that striving, caring, pleasing, working and giving are not my only modes of operation.
I am joyful. I am doing what I can to step off of the productivity death escalator. I am persistent and unapologetic about seeking rest— whatever that looks like for me.
Joy is an inside job. I’ve seen what happens when I don’t prioritize my peace. If I don’t remember to love myself along the way, I’ve missed the entire point.
Being grounded in peace, active ease and experiencing contact with ALL of my feelings is the goal. To be a part of the community I love and cherish with full bodied intention, I need to slow down, take care and choose myself even when I feel like I shouldn’t.
I’m grateful for this opportunity to center myself and take up space. It has taken me a minute to see the effects of the inner work i’ve done to get here, but I will admit despite all the stress and strain — there is joy in this process too.
I’ll leave you with an affirmation:
I’m no longer asking permission to show up. I’m already here. At rest, and in joy.
Until next time,
Meg
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