Even when you know better, you can still get it wrong.
This week was my first week back at work from a planned “vacation.” I say that with quotation marks because despite all my best knowledge, I still haven't figured out how to truly take time off from everything that I do. As the clichéd saying goes: It is much easier to offer wisdom to others than it is to listen to yourself.
Truthfully, I haven't taken a real vacation away from all of my work responsibilities since January of 2019. I'm embarrassed to say it, but I need to do better. I found myself feeling resentful of the meetings on my schedule, the constant emails or requests of my time, and my own personal failing to set limits with how, what, and who I engage with during my time off. In a vulnerable moment with my own therapist, she gently reminded me that in my efforts to be helpful and supportive to others, I consistently betray my own needs. A humbling but important wake up call. My growing irritability and resentment over the past few weeks was a glaring sign that an important boundary had been violated, yet until that moment I hadn't fully realized that I was the one to blame.
These days I'm no longer just a practicing therapist; I'm a business owner, a clinical supervisor, a consultant and an aspiring writer. As the scope of my work changes, so do my day-to-day responsibilities, as well as my routines around rest. I make sure to schedule days here and there to focus on being present with myself, revisit my hobbies like painting and writing, and continue to learn new ways to refine my ability to delegate tasks and conserve my energy. I wish I could say that this is enough. It's not. A running daydream of mine is being able to clone myself - one version of me gets to keep going, while the other lazily relaxes with no care or concern about a to-do list or who might need me.
I'm noticing more and more that true rest and recovery comes with a commitment to myself that lives outside of the spaces of productivity, being in service to others, and always being available. I'm no longer interested in pretending to be okay with not being able to fully let go. Taking accountability for myself means reflecting on some hard questions and taking action to improve the quality of my rest time.
Some questions I'm journalling on these days to strengthen my commitment to true rest are:
What is my relationship to control, specifically around the work I produce and the quality of my services?
What boundaries do I need to set with myself in order to relax into times of ease?
Do I trust those supporting me to solve problems when they arise?
What workflows or systems need to be created or defined in order to successfully take time away from work?
How can I soothe restless energy as I transition into slower ways to live and connect with my authentic self?
Perhaps you're reading this and can relate to my struggle in letting go of work without internal pressure to keep giving time and energy to others. If you too are noticing that work seems to continuously loom above you despite your best efforts, I hope these questions serve as a helpful guide towards finding your true rest too. This evening I'll be joining The LoveLand Foundation in the first of a two-part IG Live conversation: Carving Space To Heal: Anxiety, Grief and Burnout in a Post-Pandemic World. I hope I'll see you there. I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in real time, and being in honest conversation and community.
In a world where we are so much better at supporting others than we are in doing so for ourselves, I hope this reminds you that there is value in showing up for yourself too. My own experience reminds me that beyond my best intentions, I can still get it wrong. I'm staying open to the humbling revelations of my own journey, and sharing it here with you all as I learn.
As always, I invite you to consider your own experiences and imagine new and different ways to connect with yourself. There is wisdom in your evolution.