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I will be the first to admit that when things feel difficult, and crises abound, it’s hard to convince myself to do much. Motivation can be shifty, and often comes and goes for me as quickly as the weather. One day I might be extra motivated towards my intentions and goals, and other days my interest and energy wanes, my efforts limp and unsustained.
As a way of trying to continue onwards regardless of motivation, I’ve learned to reframe my focus on commitment instead. I can commit to doing something regardless of whether I want to do it or not. The key for me is to have a commitment rooted in my values and long term intentions. Do I want to fold laundry? Absolutely not. Do I value maintaining an organized home? One hundred percent.
There is a caveat to this helpful reframe. Committing to something in this way only works for me if I have the golden trifecta — mindfulness, positive self regard and most importantly— self-trust. I need to be present in the moment, positive towards myself and my values, and trust that I have the ability to carry on even when things are hard.
Sometimes the tasks are relatively benign (laundry for example), and other times the stakes are much higher, such as applying for a new opportunity, becoming a parent, or navigating a painful loss. To be my most whole and engaged self, I need to trust that I can do hard things, survive overwhelm, and face challenges head on.
To me, self-trust is hard to develop and maintain when you’re not taking good care of yourself. That golden trifecta of presence, positive self regard and self-trust is best sustained through meeting my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual needs.
As a therapist, I’ve spent years observing how folks learn to trust each other and themselves. We build up trust and confidence in our friends, partners, families and coworkers through observing thoughtful and consistent interactions, healthy communication and through a felt sense of belonging and safety.
On the flip side, a history of distrust and disconnection can be a de-stabilizing force in developing self-trust. It’s hard to feel connected and committed to yourself when all of your experiences have taught you to put up walls, mistrust others intentions, and disengage from vulnerability.
Additionally, invalidating relationships, cycles of abuse and chronic disconnection can increase emotional experiences that are fatal to self trust: powerlessness, crushing self-criticism, perfectionism and overwhelm.
Learning to trust myself has been an exercise in examining my connection to all of the above, including giving close attention to the experiences in my life when I’ve felt the sharp sting of rejection, the mind dumbing drudgery of burnout and boredom, and moments where I’ve felt unsafe and out of sorts.
However, this internal journey requires balance. As much as it is important to deepen your understanding of how challenging experiences, emotions, and relationships have impacted your ability to trust yourself — it is just as meaningful to pay attention to your strengths and successes.
My journey to trusting myself (big and small) was made much easier when I also reflected on the ways that I’ve overcome major obstacles, made note of the times I felt safe and strong, and reflected on the talents that make me who I am today.
It is in these moments that I recognize self-trust isn’t just about feeling confident, it’s about feeling internally deserving, capable, and seen. Self-trust comes easier when we consistently and intentionally remember our integrity, and nurture fond memories of trust and belonging, remembering our achievements and abilities.
If you’re like me, and want or need something to takeaway or try, consider the tiny habits to get started, journal prompts or ideas for reflective practice below:
Tiny habits to get started if you’re feeling overwhelmed:
Set small reasonable goals with yourself to achieve trust in change and transformation.
Talk to yourself kindly and with intentional compassion and accountability.
Get mindful and aware of your body and thought patterns. Safety and self-trust are accompanied by self awareness.
Remind yourself of the things you do well, and nurture those skills regularly.
Encourage yourself when things feel difficult. Although you may not trust yourself fully just yet, practice uplifting yourself in hard moments.
Journal Prompts:
In times of stress and crisis, how do you respond? What behaviours or ways of responding feel “inevitable”? What expectations do you have for yourself when you are overwhelmed and fatigued? What feels true in those moments?
Honour your talents. What are you good at? How did you gain this skill or strength? Consider and describe the skills and abilities you have that may need extra recognition or validation.
Who are the people in your life that trust you? What makes you trustworthy and deserving of their trust? Experiences of trust in close relationships can encourage you to bring that care and attention to yourself.
Recall a moment when you have trusted yourself. What barriers did you overcome to do so? Think of a moment of resolve and determination in the face of adversity. What did you trust yourself to do in that moment? How did you know you would succeed?
Reflective practices:
Observe the people and relationships around you. How do the folks in your close community trust and connect with each other?
Paying attention to how people trust themselves and express confidence and capacity is important..Building self trust in yourself is helped by finding inspiration (not comparison!) through careful, non judgmental observation of the world around you.
Acknowledge your personal history around distrust and disconnection.
Choose one experience from your past to write and describe how your trust in others was impacted. Identifying negative patterns around trust in your past may support you in unlearning them to build self-trust in your future.
Try a new hobby, craft or experience.
Often key moments of self-trust are built during moments of trial and error. Be mindful of what happens when you begin, and how you respond to challenges along the way. How we approach new ideas and experiences can provide us with valuable information on how we trust ourselves to remain open and hopeful in the face of new opportunities.
If you’re still here after all of this, make note that you took the time to read and engage with this material with intention. Did you trust yourself to finish this? Why or why not? Let me know what you think below 😊.
Mindfulness and self awareness of how you move through the world will be invaluable on your journey. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Take your time and notice the small efforts made along the way. You are worthy of paying attention to.
Until next time,
Meg 🤎