When changing is harder than staying the same.
Facing the unknown is scary.
Self-reflection and inner work is so hard because so much of what we might discover is painful and threatens our comfort zone. Change can be threatening. Experiencing the world in a new way means letting go of guarantees — facing the beast you know vs. embracing the pain and uncertainty of the unknown.
I’ve found that true personal healing comes with realizing that the pain of changing often outweighs the pain (and comfort) of staying the same. Now some of you may be thinking: isn’t it the other way around? Not necessarily.
Over the years I’ve been able to witness folks as they move through some of the most difficult times in their lives. It is both an honour and incredibly painful (at times) to be a therapeutic guide through the many emotional upheavals of life. I used to believe that change only happened when people decided that staying where they were was more painful than trying something new. From my experience, that’s some of it but not all of it.
More than I imagined, I saw people experience pain, grief, or crises and change just never happened. No matter how much they verbalized that it was more unhelpful, difficult, and many times harmful to continue as they were. No matter the consequences to their lives, relationships or bodies.
As a young therapist, these situations drove me into a panic. I wondered if there was something I was missing or doing wrong as I supported these folks.
Over time, I realized a few important things:
My role as a therapist is to observe, connect the dots and offer space for people to heal. Sometimes there is nothing you can say to convince people to change, even when their life is at stake.
(Some) people are so used to the pain and grief they know, that deep down they don’t believe they deserve better. Change in their minds belongs to the worthy, and they aren’t it.
Emotional and mental pain can be just as crippling as physical pain. Changing habits, ways of being and perspectives is far more challenging than doing what you’ve always done. Change is a choice, and it’s usually a hard one.
I feel here I must put a disclaimer that these observations are not ubiquitous. Everyone will not feel this way about the pain of changing. When I began work in the field, I threw myself into complexity: persistent and complex mood disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, veteran PTSD, complex grief and substance use. I worked in the highest levels of mental health care for many years before moving into private practice. I know the things I’ve witnessed don’t apply to everyone. Okay, moving on.
Facing our resentments, difficult upbringings, grief and tough emotions is hard work. Confronting this work is overwhelming, and difficult choices must be made. What propels us forward can’t always be finding the easiest and least painful route forward. Often it involves taking a scary road you don’t know.
How do we make changes, knowing that changing can be more complicated than staying the same? Trust.
Building trust isn’t an overnight process. It requires a commitment to believing you have what it takes to pursue change, even when things feel like they are falling apart. Even when you don’t believe you’re deserving. Even when pursuing change and facing our truths comes with no guarantee.
Recovery and personal healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. Acknowledge that some emotional unravelling may happen. Real change takes time. You will feel pain along the way.
Whole living encourages us to recognize that feeling pain doesn’t mean we won’t feel joy. This isn’t a punishment. Life isn’t just one or the other. The tough stuff comes with the good stuff. Make room for it all.
— Meg
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Oh, the complexity of it all. There are certainly times that I wonder if the work required in the path of inner healing is worth it because it can be so darn painful and slow. I suppose if the goal is to find the “easiest” way through life, well then, that explains a lot about how things are in the world! It makes me curious about what drives some of us to change and risk that pain. Maybe it’s about valuing wholeness over ease or familiarity. You’ve given me lots to reflect on! Thank you for your insight, Meghan.
Wow, this is right on time. I just wrote a newsletter about feeling stagnant and struggling to make uncomfortable changes! One thing that my therapist taught me was the concept of clean pain vs. dirty pain. I wrote a newsletter on it (I swear this isn't a plug hahaha), but basically...all pain IS painful -- so it's a matter of what TYPE of pain is in service to your greater goals. SO appreciate you, this newsletter, and your ability to put things into perspective. xx