Maybe I should stop playing small.
Reflections and prompts on why taking yourself seriously feels harder than it should.
Today’s letter is my attempt at an honest exploration of the subtle ways we hold ourselves back. I’ve added practical insights informed by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and gentle journaling prompts to help you reconnect with your values and ambitions.
Drop a comment below and let me know what you think, or hit the like button if it resonates. Appreciate you all 🤎
One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t take myself seriously enough.
It’s ironic because, on paper, I’m a licensed therapist, a business owner, supervisor, writer, public speaker, consultant, and workshop facilitator—someone you might assume has already mastered the art of “intentional living.”
Yet, if I'm honest, there are days when the gap between my values and my actions is embarrassingly wide.
I see the same thing in my practice. In fact, it’s one of the most common concerns I hear from clients: “Why can’t I follow through with [insert value-based action]?” or, “Why is it so hard to do the things I know will help?”
Often, the disconnect between values and actions arises from the universal pressure to be everything at once.
Compassionately, we can acknowledge how incredibly challenging it is to navigate life without values conflicts arising. But more critically, there’s often an unreasonable expectation for immediate solutions, or even worse, for these conflicts to disappear altogether.
If this sounds irrational, yet you're still guilty (like me) of not always walking the talk—congrats! You’re beautifully human.
🌀 Not living by the values you hold close can be subtle:
Saying yes when you really mean no.
Silently agreeing to avoid conflict.
Delaying the passion project you finally have space for.
Downplaying your true self and personality because expressing yourself feels too vulnerable.
There’s a deep heaviness in knowing exactly who you want to be while consistently drifting further and further away.
If you’ve ever felt disconnected or misaligned from the things you care about, know this isn’t necessarily a flaw in your character but more likely a complex interplay of internal and external barriers.
The good news is at least some of these barriers, especially the internal ones, are somewhat within our control.
🛋 A Therapeutic Angle
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (also known as ACT) offers us a clinical framework to make sense of all of this: the ACT Triflex. This is described as Being Present, Opening Up, and Doing What Matters.
The triflex guides us toward alignment by helping us acknowledge our experiences, accept discomfort, and intentionally move toward our values.
Recently, I've started asking myself and my clients a different question: What if failing to take ourselves seriously and live a values-oriented life isn't a personal failing, but a deeply learned survival response?
As a Black woman, seriousness, ambition, or even simply taking up space often feels dangerous—historically met with dismissal, ridicule, or hostility. I once had a manager tell me I was “too ambitious” when I sought support to grow into a leadership position at the hospital where I worked.
This was a request I'd meticulously prepared, with clear evidence of my capabilities: I had written, designed, and coordinated logistics for a novel therapy program that, to this day, remains integrated into that hospital’s general treatment protocols.
How do I know this? Because after leaving that organization, I built my own clinic and eventually ended up supervising the current clinical manager at that same hospital. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the results of my “over-ambition” had become their clinical blueprint, long after I and that old manager had left. In their eyes, me being both creator and a leader was too ambitious. Essentially, taking myself seriously was viewed as a problem to be solved away.
Since then, if I’m honest, I’ve struggled to take my work seriously enough to fully step into roles I know I deserve. Reflecting on this experience helped me recognize a broader truth: perhaps seriousness itself is a form of self-preservation.
By minimizing our desires and laughing away our ambitions (or others doing that for us), we might simply be protecting ourselves from disappointment, shame, or rejection.
Perhaps saying yes when we mean no, or disengaging from things that truly matter to us, subtly reinforces the belief that our needs and dreams don't matter. Convincing us that a fully aligned and capable version of ourselves isn’t realistically achievable.
There's an ACT-informed reflection here. Opening up to a more meaningful life means allowing ourselves to experience discomfort without immediately trying to escape it.
Being present requires noticing, without judgment, the fear beneath laughter or the quiet insecurity prompting us to say, "oh, it's not a big deal," when it actually is.
Doing what matters becomes an act of courage—a quiet rebellion against narratives insisting our ambitions remain modest, muted, and manageable.
A few months ago, I shared on Instagram how oversharing can be self-protective, shifting vulnerability from authentic to performative. I've realized that similarly, "not taking myself seriously" might also be a performance: humility masking ego protection or preemptively softening criticism and potential disappointment.
Of course, this analysis is simply that—analysis. But at the end of the day, when you don't take seriously the things that matter most to you, you'll always feel exhausted by the limitation of playing small, especially when your spirit and your values demand something bigger.
🌷So, I’m holding myself gently accountable here:
What if I took myself seriously enough to fully align with all of my values, not just some of them? In this moment, I imagine what could shift if I treated my dreams with the same sincerity and care I offer others every day.
Or if I remembered that holding myself back isn’t always an indication of a fear of failure, but a fear of potential instead. Equally important, what if I granted myself the grace and patience needed to keep going when things inevitably get tough?
If we pull ACT back into the conversation, the concept of “committed action” isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about consistently choosing to move toward what genuinely matters, while accepting that discomfort comes along for the ride.
It is less about achieving the “ideal” outcome or attaining the “aesthetics of virtue” and more about embracing the messy, meaningful path of effort, vulnerability, and genuine seriousness in pursuing our values.
For you reading this, I’m curious:
What would change if you took yourself seriously? Would you start that project? Quit that job? End that relationship? Would you finally prioritize yourself enough to say "no" without guilt or apology?
A relevant disclaimer to nail this point home: This isn’t about seriousness in a joyless way. What I’m calling forward (for myself and for you reading!) is about reclaiming intentionality and aligning actions with our deeply-held values. Your desires, hopes, and needs are not insignificant or laughable. Being serious with yourself is just part of developing a healthy self-respect.
🌳 Gentle questions to keep reflecting:
Where are you minimizing your ambition or dismissing your values?
What might feel threatening or risky about getting serious with what you are passionate about?
How does it feel to imagine taking yourself seriously, without irony?
When do you laugh off your hopes? What triggers you to detach from what you care about most deep down?
What discomfort might you need to accept in order to live more aligned with your values?
As for me? This is always an ongoing practice.
Some days are easier than others, but I’m learning that the discomfort of aligning with my values feels infinitely better than quietly betraying them. That my commitment here to write, engage with and reflect on my growth (and my growing pains) is one way I am learning to take myself seriously in real time. It’s not because I’m always confident (I’m not, lol), but because I deserve to be taken seriously by the most important person in my life: myself.
Maybe the first and most important value-based action to take is deciding you are worth getting real about.
Our dreams, beliefs, and desires matter deeply. So seriously, in fact, that doubting ourselves or dismissing our progress simply isn’t part of the plan. From there, who knows what becomes possible?
Until next time,
—Meg 🤎
Wow! Such a great read 🩷! Something that would change for me if I took myself seriously is that I would write more unapologetically and truly lean into my teaching/educating abilities. Thank you so much for sharing!!
Great journal prompts and exactly what I need for the weekend ahead !