Let yourself be (fully) known.
vulnerable connections = real connections
Not too long ago, I used to hide my “true” self behind layers on layers of what I would now call an ~elaborate performance art~ exercise.
I could easily pretend and mask behind a veneer of hyper-productivity, over-functioning, and more sensitively, a version of myself that I felt other people wanted to see from me. It’s not that I wasn’t being “real” so to speak. All of the parts I showed were truly authentic to my core personality. What my vulnerability avoidance looked like instead, was compartmentalized vulnerability personas. Then these piece-meal elements of me were carefully analyzed and siloed into categories that only revealed themselves depending on who I was around.
I had the Meghan that was very silly, eager and keen to be liked by everyone (if you’re into IFS, I call this part the “eager beaver” lol). I had the Meghan that was graceful and sensitive and wise beyond her years. This Meghan always knew what to say. This we call “therapy Meg” or “thrive with Meg”. And then there were the parts of me that were messy, chaotic and disorganized, the inspired creative genius, the supportive friend, the humble leader (ever the calm in any clinical storm), the judgy critic etc etc. You get the picture.
Like I said, the version of me you would see depended solely on who my audience was, and what I was doing. What ended up happening over time is that I avoided integrating all of these different parts and versions into one cohesive and grounded self. Because the reality of people knowing all of me?? That s%*t was terrifying.
I learned very quickly in my life that many people although well intended, do not truly want to know who you are. Sometimes (emphasis on the sometimes!) people don’t actually like the idea of having authentic interactions with others. It’s much easier to be superficial without going deep, or seeing all of someone at any given moment. Because who has the time for all of that?
You know who has time? People who don’t overthink everything and allow for the discomfort of being seen without it having to mean anything more than that.
People who understand (like I eventually did) that showing up authentically doesn’t mean you’re showing up with vulnerability. You can perform vulnerability by hiding away the parts you’re too ashamed, stressed or anxious to show. You can pretend 50% of the time and still be virtually “yourself” at the end of the day.
I was afraid of what it meant to bring all of me to the table. I couldn’t possibly be both the humble leader and keen to be liked. Big cringe. I couldn’t be the sensitive wise therapist, and let the chaotic ADHD mess show. God forbid anyone see behind that curtain. Then I’d turn around and wonder why I felt so alone and disconnected. I wasn’t really allowing myself to be fully seen. Not in the integrated way I needed to be. No one really knew me, and it was incredibly lonely.
We can’t embrace the joy of feeling fully accepted if we don’t let ourselves experience the discomfort of letting all of us be seen.
Dropping our walls to vulnerably open up and integrate all the different personas we inhabit in the world takes time and practice. It is hard to relax into yourself when you’re bracing for perceived rejection, holding negative or shaming internal beliefs, or core wounds of unworthiness.
Being vulnerable also requires we find community willing to hold space for all of who we are. Compartmentalizing yourself based on the community or audience around you is only meaningful (in my opinion) when we acknowledge that not everyone is a safe place for our vulnerability. When we open up to others without first being mindful of if it is appropriate or safe to do so, we can inadvertently trigger trust issues and past traumas, cement old habits of negative self talk, and re-open old wounds of disconnection without even realizing it.
So what does integrated and true vulnerability here look like?
It looks like taking a risk to fully open up to a new friend, while also offering yourself compassionate self talk through the anxiety of that process.
It looks like sharing your creative gifts and talents with your community, and offering yourself grace and kindness to handle any potential rejection without immediately going back into hiding.
It looks like being a leader who allows some of the “mess” behind the curtain to show, without having to pretend that everything is A-OK.
It looks like acknowledging when a vulnerability “hangover” triggers us to avoid being more vulnerable again in the future, or encourages us to perform our vulnerability so we don’t have to feel so exposed after the fact.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and known by others requires intimacy. Intimacy that is built through consistent and committed relationships with others, as well as nurturing space to feel fully safe and at home within ourselves.
The two work with each other. What would it mean to let yourself be honest about all of your different parts to others, and find a pathway toward letting them emerge freely without your own fear getting in the way? What would change if all of you was allowed to take up space and be present, without ruminating, or over-focusing on any gnawing anxiety or stress about who’s watching?
Some questions to reflect on:
Do you compartmentalize or perform vulnerability for others? What does that look like?
Who is the present, whole version of you? If you can imagine them, what actions do they take to express themselves fully?
What parts of you get to take center stage and why? When do you show up wholly and fully as yourself?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from my own experiences with this, it's that compartmentalizing is a habit that can be unlearned. You can become more comfortable over time by refusing to avoid the discomfort (and the risk) of being vulnerable.
Remember! This does not mean that you should avoid discernment around who and what safe community looks like. It’s vital to note that not everyone should and needs to be a host for the most sensitive parts of you. But avoiding it all together prevents us from getting the necessary practice and moving through the experimentation of being our full selves.
We won’t always feel good, or get it right, but we will be exactly who we are. We won’t always present the version of ourselves that other people want to see, and we can learn to get better at not letting external expectations or disappointment shape the core of who we are.
Be gentle with yourselves in the world. You deserve to be known.
With love,
Meg🤎
links + things
Adding this book (and this one) to my never ending book wishlist.
Looking for good art that won’t break the bank? You’re welcome. My favourite is this special collection centered on Black art.
Didn’t make the last two creative collage workshops? Check out the resource card (with collage prompts!) I made for the values & vision edition and for collaging your inner child.
some articles to read, old and new:
"What would it mean to let yourself be honest about all of your different parts to others, and find a pathway toward letting them emerge freely without your own fear getting in the way? What would change if all of you was allowed to take up space and be present, without ruminating, or over-focusing on any gnawing anxiety or stress about who’s watching?" Wow. This whole post is gold, but these two questions are such powerful things to imagine.