The delicate link between self love and grief.
Moving into radical self love is a process of grief and recovery.
Falling in love with yourself also means falling out of love with who you thought you “should” be. Similarly, choosing to love or connect with others outside of ourselves is an exercise in risk, vulnerability and often—devastating grief. To open ourselves to love means accepting that we might be disappointed, let down or hurt. Making the choice to stay vulnerable and open to connection even with those painful risks, is a bittersweet reality for those of us with painful pasts.
Loving ourselves comes with the same risks. As a therapist, I see and interact with people daily who are just beginning or restarting their self love journey. What I notice most is that as people turn to themselves with radical self compassion, trust and honesty, there is a potent sense of grief that comes with it. How do we love ourselves when we feel unlovable? What does self love mean when you’ve only experienced trauma and heartbreak? How do we begin to think and act in loving ways towards ourselves when our worldview has been framed through the lens of feeling unworthy and unseen? The journey to self love is one that reminds us that the entry point to loving ourselves requires us to accept that we haven’t been caring much about ourselves before this point.
When we emerge into self love, it is only natural that we feel a sense of grief. Often we realize that there has been so much lost before we begin to love ourselves. We’ve lost time hating ourselves that we could have spent being kinder or more compassionate. Perhaps we’ve pushed away or lost relationships, careers or opportunities because we felt that we didn’t deserve them. Maybe there’s a sudden realization that that turning to ourselves in love means letting go of negative self concepts and perspectives that have been reinforced by trauma, invalidation, distrust and shame.
Journal prompt: What have you lost before you turned towards yourself with love? Who or what are you grieving that needs to be processed and validated as you begin your self love journey?
With our lives in perpetual change and flux, it is hard to even process what happens moment to moment in our daily lives. It is even harder to find the time to value and affirm the complicated feelings we may be experiencing within. Letting go of who we thought we “should” be is more complicated in application than it is in theory. The pressure to conform and show up as more productive, knowledgeable and picture perfect is just as strong as ever. Despite the growing understanding of the importance of mental health, the expectation to push past discomfort in order to succeed or be seen as valuable is still a present reality. To let go of this reality means we must shift our perspective towards a mindset that is focused less of who we need to be for others, and is centered firmly first and foremost on who we need to be for ourselves.
We need to stop performing our humanity and allow ourselves to be human.
As we do this, our goals, our hopes and our dreams may shift, taking our emotions and our feelings along for the ride. Developing a keen sense of the reality of the grief, sadness and overwhelm that may accompany our self love journey can prepare us to stay the course. A tender and necessary evolution into accepting who we are, and showing ourselves the value of unconditional love and care even when we don’t know what lies ahead.
What I’ve also noticed through my work is that when we love ourselves our relationship to our needs will inevitably change. As humans we have many needs: safety, health, food, adequate rest, validation, connection, autonomy, and many more I haven’t shared here. How we attend to these needs is related to our relationship to them as well as our past experiences with having them met, respected and understood. Self love means changing the way we see our needs, and reimagining new ways to focus on them without feeling burdened by them. When we view our needs as necessary and non-negotiable, they no longer become inconvenient, or change freely to the whim of others. Self love means flexibly attending to the things that keep us safe and connected, and finding ways to communicate the importance of those needs to ourselves and others in our lives.
Journal prompt: What is your relationship to your daily needs? Do you make time for them, or are they always on the bottom of your to-do list? Write down what you’d like your relationship to your needs to be.
Self love also means tuning into the present. Radical self love demonstrates that the desire to be our best selves lies at the intersection of accepting the present moment and rolling with whatever pains come with it — good and bad. I wish there was an easier way to step into self love. As I reflect and write here, I think about all the people I’ve met on their self love journey, and the challenges that they’ve faced to be honest, present and vulnerable in their process. The truth is, I don’t think self love is supposed to be easy. I don’t think it’s supposed to have a clean ending either. There is also grief in dismantling the expectation that self love is a destination that can be reached, and not a never ending journey.
The reality is — self love is a complex and messy experience. One that requires acceptance, radical compassion, an acknowledgement of grief, and a commitment to doing better because you deserve it. Always.
What are you learning in your self love journey? What ways do you allow yourself the space to stay present to your needs, your feelings and your hopes?
Hit reply, or drop a comment down below and let me know what you think.
Until next time,
Meghan