musings on consistency

and a reminder to give myself grace.

Fellow over-thinkers and perfectionists, how are you really doing?

I’ll go first — I’m feeling okay. The kind of okay where nothing is truly “wrong” internally but something still doesn’t feel right. It’s the end of January. There is still a genocide happening in Palestine. Social media is still an overstimulating information overload. I’m 18 months postpartum, which means I have a whole one and a half year old. I feel older and wiser, while also half wondering / fantasizing on when the “adult” me is going to take over and get my edges together.

Time is a thief, and ebbs of anger, joy, curiosity, fatigue and overwhelming grief are all themes on the journey of my life these days.

I know I haven’t been as consistent as I usually am online as of late. And although a part of me yearns for the idealistic version of “showing up” that I have in my head, the truth is that real life hasn’t stopped even when I’ve shifted how I document it virtually.

It’s a necessary reminder that I’m still showing up for my family, I’m still present with my clients, and recently I’ve been more active with IRL community gatherings, events and advocacy. It’s easy to slip into casual self-criticism, or pay attention to drops in followers and online engagement. Frankly, these days the engagement is offline, and it feels really good. I’m re-balancing and redefining my identity online, which I think requires seasons of stillness and separation.

I’ve noticed myself putting my energy into and breathing life into other areas of my world. I’m reflecting on the idea of consistency, and what that really means to me as someone who cherishes the sacred spaces I’ve built online as a person and a therapist. I suppose the real question I’ve allowed myself to answer is: where does my energy go if it doesn’t go here?

(Here meaning this internet landscape you’re likely reading this on.)

I saw an IG post the other day (if I can find it again I’ll link it here) where a creator was discussing the duality of wanting to document their life and share wisdom online with their community, but was hitting up against an undeniable desire to live without the pressure of what that means in terms of consistency and the expectations of others.

In an era of short attention spans (calling myself out), and the need for constant stimulation, commentary and information — manufactured urgency to create and contribute online feels at an all time high.

I feel both stuck in circle of endless apps, constant content, and ads. I find myself oscillating between wondering whether I am doing / creating/ being enough, and feeling absolutely exhausted by attempting to do it all. The tension of “both—and.”

The current season of my life is offering me so many interesting opportunities, stimulation, life experiences and lessons. I crave isolation and space from others to privately process it all, while also feeling a deep pull to express, share and write it all down.

It is getting harder and harder for me to feel grounded when I’m context switching constantly between roles, virtual environments, other people’s stories, my own needs and the needs of the people around me. It’s a lot of unintentional consumption that I know many of my friends, colleagues and clients have also been struggling with.

The therapist brain side of me knows that there is rarely an escape or peace in a world driven by capitalistic hunger for more, more, more. But another part of me, a quieter, and less understood part wonders how I will reckon with the desire to exist in all the places where my community lives and breathes — even when it lives both in an online world and a real life one.

I am still writing. A lot of it is just for me these days. Maybe that’s a good thing. My entire mode of being sometimes feels like it exists for others (not in a bad way). There is a lot of exhaustion that accompanies the joys and perils of caregiving both personally and professionally.

Perhaps my absence of “consistency” the way I understood it before is simply a return to myself and to my own needs. I’d like to think that this return to self is one that is compassionate to a different pace and process when necessary.

As I figure out who I am again both online and off, I’m reminding myself to at the very minimum be gentle with myself. The process of growing a business, the bumps of matrescence, and the constant need to sift through information, process and ultimately allow all of my feelings to exist is not easy.

I become more whole and more trusting of my evolving sense of self when there is less internal criticism flung my way. I emerge more grounded when I remind myself that taking space is a vital aspect of creativity. There is more room for balance in the way I share when I let go of imagined harsh expectations of an external “audience.”

To you my dear reader, there is always (and always will be) abundant gratitude. You are a real person behind this screen, just as I am a real person behind mine. Offering myself grace to find a new balance includes finding new ways to be reciprocal with each other where we connect.

Maybe you relate to some of this, maybe not. Maybe some of you have just skimmed the surface because that’s all the energy you have to give. I feel that. Let’s agree to keep each other accountable to softer and more curious ways of showing up with each other.

Until next time,

— Meg