“Take the trip. Who knows when you’ll ever get the chance to do this again.” — me to me as I attempted to talk myself out of what turned out to be one of the most transformative travel experiences of my life.
Context:
I have so much to say about this trip, but I’m doing this thing where I am starting where I am. I’m doing the very annoyingly frustrating work of letting my shares here be imperfect (and sometimes unfinished). It’s not an exact science but writing rarely is.
I may share more — there’s plenty in the drafts, but for now please accept this short and sweet reflection from my time away.
I struggle to find the words to describe the beauty and wonder of the Maasai Mara.
It feels like an immense privilege to be able to travel so far away from home and explore conserved lands of the wildlife who call the Mara home.
For many years of my life, and sometimes even now, I’ve felt like I’ve been missing out. Although I come from another version of paradise, I am not well travelled.
Limited resources, introversion, visa/ immigration limitations and a hunger to establish community without built-in support or a village all contributed to this.
This year this all changed for me. In the short week away, I’ve taken 9 flights, visited 4 cities, and 3 villages.
I’ve stretched the boundaries of my own imagination on what I might be lucky enough to see in this lifetime, and frankly it makes me emotional to even think about it. Gratitude doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about this journey.
All that to say, I’ve learned a few things about myself along the way.
One of them being:
Fear (and anxiety) can be a familiar and comforting friend.
It’s easy to say “feel the fear and do it anyway”, but what if staying afraid is a comfortable place to be? We don’t talk enough about the ways we can become attached to an identity of anxiousness, and I am no exception to this.
It’s not easy to admit, but sometimes I keep myself small because being afraid and anxious is more familiar and comforting than getting used to the discomfort of trying new things. The beast you know, I suppose.
Journal prompts I’ve been using to address this:
Who am I without my anxiety and my fear?
Am I willing to let myself and others get to know the version of myself outside of familiar narratives?
What changes when I evolve into more confident and trusting person?
Am I willing to let my attachment to anxiety go?
Maybe you can relate to this feeling of knowing and grieving the safety of the beliefs, fears and worries that hold us back. Maybe you also wonder who you might be when you evolve into the version of yourself that no longer lives behind fear.
Growth is hard. It’s frustrating. It’s horribly imperfect to say the least. I’m letting myself inch slowly into new ways of being, and doing my best to keep myself accountable along the way. Even if that means admitting some hard truths, and asking myself tough questions along the way.
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