It’s okay to care about things deeply.

You don’t have to pretend you don’t when you do 🍉

Do you pretend to not care when you really do?

A theme I’ve seen in my relational work is what I’m calling “reactive care disconnection.”

When we care about something or someone, it’s important to take a moment to honour and acknowledge that care response before hiding it away. We can often lose sight of who we are and what matters to us when this pattern is repeated over and over again.

Some of us have been taught to disengage from caring for a variety of reasons including our personal trauma stories, constant imbalances of emotional labour in relationships and cultural messaging that serves as self-protective and intergenerational ways of being.

Attempts to look like you don’t care to avoid being shamed, constant vigilance around not looking “cringe,” or being taught to “stay out of other people’s business”, are good examples of this.

Reasons why we might not show that we care when we really do:

• It feels risky to assert our true opinions.

• We fear social exclusion or judgment.

• We’re hiding our true intentions.

• We feel uncared for.

• We’re setting a boundary or limit.

• We’re in denial.

• We haven’t decided how we feel yet.

• We don’t have consistent values.

This dynamic is nuanced. I’ve noticed people avoiding showing care as a reaction to how others treat them.

E.g my partner isn’t showing me the care I need, so I’m going to withdraw my care too.

This is not always a conscious decision. Our personal history and ways of coping play a role here.

Sometimes it is the safe and appropriate thing to do to not show care in the way you usually might.

E.g. using the grey rock method in response to narcissistic or abusive behavior.

Only you can determine when safety plays a role in your care response.

However these reactive care responses are usually not an effective long term strategy for emotional awareness, emotion regulation, building self trust, and living by our inner values.

When we practice compassionate acknowledgment of what we care about mindfully, instead of suppressing, reacting, or hiding, we can be more intentional in how we want to show care to others and to ourselves.

Concealing or suppressing our feelings without acknowledging them is not the pathway to emotional awareness.

Taking the time to sit with feelings of care even when they aren’t reciprocated, acknowledged or validated by others, offers us necessary practice to trust ourselves to do that work without always expecting or relying on others to meet that need first.

I’m not saying that sometimes we won’t make a decision that goes against a held belief. We’re human. Life is complicated on the best of days. But generally speaking, we want to hold space for what matters to us first and foremost, before choosing one way or another to act.

Remember, bringing awareness and holding space for emotion is a personal honouring. Offering yourself ample room for you to remember your own wholeness before you make your next move. Any action you take after that is always up to you, your values, boundaries, personal safety and internal beliefs.

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If you made it this far, thank you for reading. This share was inspired by the countless conversations I’ve had in the last two months since Oct 7th when the horrific deaths of Israeli civilians were met with an ongoing and brutal genocide of the Gazan people in Palestine.

I don’t claim to be an expert. Frankly I’m not interested in arguing about the history with anyone who wants to pick a fight with me online. All I know is that every day I am called to hold space for the impact and horror of senseless vengeful violence in the therapy room. Calling for a ceasefire to me does not seem like a bold statement to make. In fact, it seems the most reasonable thing to do in the face of the massacres happening in Gaza every minute.

However that is not the world we live in, and it is a bold and brave statement for many of my clients and colleagues of all kinds who have been censured, silenced and stomped on by the loud and heavy lead pipe of colonialism and white supremacy.

I cannot look away. This is my world. My reality. My truth. There is so much grief and care here. A groundswell that often has no where to go when leaders do not listen, and people continue to die every day. All that care and emotion cannot be suppressed, or denied even when it is not always safe to speak out.

Honour it. Hold space for your humanity, for your grief. Lean into the complexity of multiple feelings. Don’t lose sight of who you are and what you know about yourself — whatever that may be, even if the world is not giving that care back to you.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes:

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

— Audre Lorde

Sending love and peace always,

Meg