Ask a Therapist: How do I heal from heartbreak?

7 tips and reflections on how to mend a broken heart

Most Mondays I answer questions on Instagram on a variety of topics, mostly related to relationships, personal growth and mental health. Read on below for my thoughts on one of the most common questions I get asked about romantic relationships.

Remember that this column is for information purposes only and cannot replace or substitute professional medical/therapeutic advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider.

Issa & Lawrence from HBO’s “Insecure”

Q: How do I heal from heartbreak? What can I do to mend a broken heart?

Heartbreak is experienced differently by everyone, so it’s important to think about how a breakup is impacting you and what specifically you’re dealing with in the aftermath.

When it comes to healing a broken heart please also know that this goes beyond just romantic relationships. You can breakup and be estranged from family. You can breakup and be disconnected with friends, and you can be heartbroken and hurt from losing a job or an opportunity that you were really looking forward to. At the end of the day, healing a broken heart is about healing and processing grief — however it shows up for you. The below tips may or may not apply to your situation.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Tips to heal from a broken heart:

Look at time in a different way.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds when the wounds in question are ignored. Face the feeling and let yourself be hurt. Don’t avoid pain because you’ve told yourself a story that you cannot handle it.

Allowing yourself to process the feelings without judging them will give you emotional and internal wisdom to step into new relationships without sacrificing your authenticity and vulnerability. However long that takes might not align with your expectations, and that’s okay.

Distract yourself in non-destructive ways.

Intrusive thoughts and rumination about the breakup in question can drag you into feelings of unworthiness, feeling unloveable and believing that you are a failure when relationships end. This is simply just not true.

Distracting yourself by engaging in activities that spark different emotions (not just sadness and disappointment) can help with short-term coping with overwhelming feelings.

For example: When you’re feeling low, try an activity that might make you laugh, or go for a brisk walk to get your heart pumping. Distraction can pull you out of immediate discomfort until you’re ready to face the emotions around the relationship loss without getting lost in unhelpful beliefs.

The difference between helpful distraction and unhelpful avoidance is mindfulness and intention.

Be mindful about why and for how long you’re distracting yourself. Distraction is simply a short-term solution to help deal with long term feelings.

Remind yourself that you probably needed this heartbreak/loss in order to make the right connections.

Breakups suck, and the awful feelings seem like they will last forever. However, losing this relationship (for whatever reason) opens you up to building new relationships and strengthening current ones that are right for you. It may not be what you were expecting, but often times crisis precipitates growth.

Can you imagine a future with someone who also wants it with you?

Your heartache is making room for people who care about you, your boundaries, respect your time and energy and actually want to be with you.

Reconnect with your community.

Spend time with family and friends, talk to your colleagues at work, volunteer in your neighbourhood - embed yourself in current relationships that are fulfilling in other ways.

Ask yourself: What existing relationships do I have where my needs and vulnerability, are treated with respect and reciprocity? What space do I hold for others and myself that makes me feel good?

Remember that grieving is normal.

This is not supposed to feel good. The sadness and disappointment you feel can slow you down and be incredibly painful. Know that you will hurt, but you will also heal. Don’t try to push past the pain and pretend that it’s not impact you if that’s not your truth. If your hurt is still raw, allow it to be.

Share your pain with someone you trust to treat your feelings with respect. A safe and trusting person won’t force you to talk about the details before you’re ready, and will give you the space to let your hurt exist without trying to change it or make you “feel better” due to their own discomfort.

If you’re not sure who the best person to share your hurt with is, remember that you too are a safe place. Trust yourself to hold space without judgment if you can. Write a letter to your future self, imagining yourself coping with the heartbreak and the emotional overwhelm.

Sometimes a cathartic way of getting things off your chest without hurting someone in the process is to write it all down — even the messy, shameful, hurting, angry parts. Some people like to destroy these letters afterward, or save them to open later when they are in a different place in their life. Whatever you choose to do, let the words of your heartbreak and your pain live somewhere other than just inside your mind.

Take a break from online life.

Take a hiatus from checking IG stories, Twitter feeds or catching up with what people (including past partners/ family members/ colleagues) are up to on social media. The internet will be there when you’re ready to come back.

Take your time - you’ll know when you’re feeling less triggered, and less likely to doom scroll on the highlight reels of everyone else’s life while you’re still in pain. When breakups happen within friend groups or close networks, or even if that person has been a part of your life for a while — it can be difficult to see them in person, much less everywhere online. You may not be able to control what they do or who they see, but you can manage yourself.

Unpack your hopes and expectations.

What expectations do you have lingering from the relationship that still need to be grieved and named? What did the relationship mean to you? Beyond the person itself, what hopes, expectations or desires are you still grieving from this loss? Like any other loss or heartbreak, and attempting to heal on a schedule or holding unrealistic expectations that need to be released and processed may backfire over time. Consider your internal expectations around “getting over” your current feelings.

Try writing out a list of lessons learned from the relationship, or expressing your current emotions through a creative medium such as painting, singing, drawing or writing.

Processing how you feel now and integrating lessons learned in the relationship can be healing, as well as remind you that even when bad things happen, there can be still movement and growth to be had.

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Healing from a breakup no matter how, why or what happened, means that you have an opportunity to get to know yourself outside of the context of a relationship or a role. This can be a freeing and insightful process. Getting to know yourself outside of a relationships means opening up to your inner strengths and assets, as well as accepting and acknowledging your habits and patterns that may have been destructive or unhelpful.

Unpacking internal and external relationship dynamics and factors that have affected the health of past relationships, can impact the success of future ones. This work requires that you look at your behaviour as objectively as you can without judgment and shame, and examine the ways you interact with others and yourself.

Your path is taking you in a new direction. Embrace it.

- Meg

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