Am I being punished?

Reflections on the healing process and wisdom for the journey.

Facing our difficult upbringings, our past resentments, and dealing with emotions connected to old wounds is hard work. To address the painful experiences in our past, we much acknowledge that some emotional unravelling may happen.

We must be open to an outcome that isn’t just “feeling good.”

It would be easy to say that this is life’s way of punishing us. Unfortunately (and fortunately), everyday life isn’t a collection of absolutes —good or bad, hard or easy, true or untrue. The tough stuff comes with the good stuff, whether we like it or not. We need to find a way to stay open and make room for all that emerges as we uproot old memories, beliefs, attachment styles and ways of being in relationship with ourselves and others.

art by Toronto illustrator Christy Lundy

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Today I’m sharing some brief wisdom I’ve collected along the way:

Expect the unexpected.

Growing and changing often involves taking a scary road you don’t know. The path toward personal healing is not always a joyful homecoming. The way will likely not be illuminated for us. The path forward is how illumination happens.

You will confront hard truths and choices.

Setting boundaries, reflecting on problematic learned patterns, confronting those who hurt us and establishing trust to cope with all that is ahead is an integral part of this process. There is no way to avoid difficult decisions.

This is a type of grief.

Growth can happen slowly, and may proceed without fanfare, external validation or acknowledgement from the people you want it from most. Being okay with losses of all kinds requires a commitment to believing you have what it takes to grow and pursue change, even when things feel like they are falling apart. Even when you don’t believe you’re deserving. Even when it comes with no guarantee.

Remember why you started.

Trusting and building healthy connections, having a secure sense of self, and quieting your inner critic may be goals you have on this journey. Take care to regularly consult the reasons and goals that prompted you to unpack old wounds and stressors. We sometimes need a reminder to balance looking back and facing what’s ahead.

Small steps count too.

Encourage yourself along the way. Celebrate small victories and steps toward your goals, even as you may be in the thick of deep stress and struggle. Archive the ways you have already made changes and how that has impacted you thus far. Practice compassion alongside accountability. And remember that there is a lot of sensitivity and vulnerability during periods of great transformation.

Discomfort is built into the process of healing. 

Yes, there is joy. Yes there is insight. Yes there is community. Yes, there is peace.

However that is not all that there is. The word healing itself suggests the presence of a pre-existing wound. Pain associated with that wound will not compartmentalize itself as you become more aware, willing and open to new ways of being. You are no less for struggling with complicated feelings when the healing journey itself is something that demands you to be open to them all — whatever that looks like for you.

Until next time,

Meg

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